Mrs. Morrissey

Quote something I said several years ago on my old personal blog—now password protected, so you’ll need to take time out of your day hounding The Wayback Machine (or you could just email me for the log in)—post it on your Tumblr and there you go. Also, if you mail me a self-addressed, stamped envelope, I can send you some of my used toilet paper, if you think it’ll make your own shit smell better. Don’t say I never did anything for you faggots!

I don’t know why I have douching on the brain, but I’ve been thinking about Summer’s Eve. It’s really a horrible name for a company that wants to sell vaginal freshness. After working for hours and hours on a hot day, the evening time is when a woman’s crotch is at its peak mustiness for the entire year—and worse if her desk chair (or couch) is made of leather or vinyl. I don’t get it.

Justin Bieber Teaches Barbara Walters How To Dougie

I’ve always been into my trees. I like them gaudy and sparkly. This one is an eight-footer, my biggest yet. When decorating it with my husband, I found myself circling the tree behind him, secretly moving ornaments from his poorly-chosen branches, rearranging his balls, so to speak. But also literally. I mean come on, when there are only six large balls, you can’t put three of them within the same five inches of one another! And what’s the point of putting the awesome mechanical Superman ornament—in which he spins in a phone booth changing from Clark Kent into his caped costume—all the way in the back? No one will see it! It’s all about placement! God!

I’ve been collecting ornaments since high school (when I would put up a mini tree in my bedroom), and I must say that I have an impressive collection. But this is my piece de résistance:

In November 2002 my sister and went to see Siegfried & Roy’s show at the Mirage. The tickets were really pricey, but it seemed like the most important thing we could ever do. (Celine’s show wasn’t up and running at the time.) So we went, and we shared a table with a Korean couple who had just gotten married that night. They didn’t speak English, and their maid of honor and best man—also at our table—didn’t speak Korean. I think they were all drunk.

Anyway, aside from that, the S&R show was one of the weirdest experiences of my life. Nobody in the audience—mostly made up of foreigners and families from fly-over states—knew what to make of the special effects, the animals, the dancing, the people on stilts, or Siegfried’s or Roy’s hair. It appeared that my sister and I were the only people in the entire room who appreciated any of the off-the-charts campy-ness. Everyone else just stared. Which, I guess, is why there was an applause track that was cued up after each illusion.

When exiting the theater after the show, my sister pointed out the gift shop devoted entirely to S&R. I just about shit myself. I knew immediately that the most valuable piece of crap I could buy would be a Christmas ornament. And they had one!

Less than a year later, of course, Roy Horn was attacked by one of the tigers and almost died, ending their long-running career in Vegas. My sister called to say that my ornament would be super valuable now. As if I needed to be told that! Tiger mauling or no, that ornament will always outshine even the star atop my tree.

Today at work, I was writing about a new science-y study that links promiscuity to one’s DNA. I couldn’t figure out what to do about an image for the post, so out of desperation I did a Google image search of “slut.” What I found was me. Twice. I guess my work here is done?

I have to alert Rich to his guilt by association.

The only real conclusion I’ve come to after pondering all of this is that I’m really glad that I have bangs again. I missed them.

I apologize for not being able to give a proper update on the Teen Mom College Fund. (The entire month of November managed to fly by between an unexpected, extended out-of-town trip I had to make and the holiday and all. Anyway, I digress.) There have been some things that needed to be ironed out, with the help of a lawyer and a financial consultant, both working with us pro bono. We’ll be posting an official update/follow-up about it all on Jezebel.com soon, but I just wanted to keep any donors in the loop for the time being. We’ve managed to raise $14,000 for Catelynn and Tyler! Our attorney in Michigan is in contact with them and they’re super excited (and sweet and gracious). More details to come!