20 Life Lessons From “Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead”
Ever since I first saw it in the theater at 12 years old, DTMBD has maintained a constant position on my ever-evolving favorite-movies-of-all-time list, partially because of nostalgia, but mostly because it’s a solid, funny, film that featured kids that smoked cigarettes and pot, watched TV all day instead of playing outside, had dirty mouths, and embezzled money, yet still managed to be better at adulthood than their mother (who, BTW, was such a shitty parent for leaving her five minor children in the care of an ancient stranger so she could gallivant around Australia with her boyfriend for two freaking months). Anyway, the movie has been really influential in my life, from the constant references I make to it, to the actual educational moments it provided. I’ll be focusing on the latter here.
1.) Petty Cash
Probably the most important knowledge that I gained from DTMBD is an understanding of petty cash—the first time I’d ever heard of such a thing!—which was instilled through rote learning, as the term is uttered repeatedly, by the lion’s share of the cast, throughout.
2.) How to Embezzle Petty Cash
Use the office’s petty cash supply as though it were your personal pocket money, and then instead of replacing the funds you took, use a stoner as slave labor to perform a service for which you can falsify a receipt.
3.) Every Girl Over 25 Should Have a Cucumber in the House
4.) Creativity with Brooches
Make a fashion statement by suggesting lizards are crawling all over you!
5.) The Contents of a Powerful Business Woman’s Desk
6.) What Not to Wear For a 20 Hour Flight to Australia
Honestly, it doesn’t surprise me that Mrs. Crandell would make such a piss-poor outfit choice for that kind of journey, considering she’s an asshole who doesn’t care about her children’s happiness. (Who tells a little girl “Little league will be there next year”?) Also, I thought this trip was pleasure not business. What’s with the brief case?
7.) Eyebrow Maintenance Is Not Necessary in “The Bowels of the Fashion Industry”
8.) Smoking Makes You Look Cool
9.) It Also Makes Teenagers Look Sophisticated and Mature
10.) Fashion
Fashion is when you pair a traditional blazer with an unlikely shirt. I’m serious. I’ve lived my life following this rule.
11.) Q.E.D.
While I don’t have any involvement with actual Q.E.D. reports in my adult life, I understand that they are important. However, as a crossword enthusiast, knowing what the acronym stands for has come in handy.
12.) “Metallica Breath” Is A Terrific Insult
13.) How Not to Dress for a Temp Job
14.) Sexual Harassment Is Real and Gross
15.) Sexual Harassment Can be Combatted with a Squirt Gun
16.) Emotional Eating Is Soothing in Times of Corporate Crisis
17.) How to Work a Catwalk
Isn’t it weird that Rose was commended for hiring a teen for market perspective, when none of the looks were actually uniforms for teenagers, but for professional jobs like a nurse?
And a chef?
18.) Haircuts Fix Everything
19.) Everything Works Out in the End
20.) Oh, One More Thing, and This Is So Important
Whenever we’re not alone, or I’m on the phone and I ask you something—doesn’t matter what it is—you always say, “I’m right on top of that, Rose!”
